I've been thinking, should we decide to have another baby, how do I want the birth to be?
I've written a little about how the moment of R's birth is so foggy, almost blocked out. While I wouldn't say it was "traumatizing", it definitely wasn't serine.
I find myself feeling jealous of the photos I see of water births, of mothers lifting their babies out of the water themselves. Gazing at their babies. Happy and relieved and mesmerized by their babies.
I know every birth is different. R came into the world exactly as he needed to -- in a hurry, loud, pushing me to my limit. I have a feeling he'll be like that his entire life. And while I "caught" him, I was scared and just barely earth-side of a moment where I thought I had died. I was pre-occupied with the realization that I was still standing, not ripped in half. For a moment I wondered why Chris was crying and whose baby was screaming behind me.
How much control do we have over that moment? If I plan hard enough, can I have something different? Can I create a moment where I reach down and catch my own baby? Where I'm aware enough to see him being born? Where I can meet him and remember that meeting?