Friday, January 25, 2013

Next time ...

I've been thinking, should we decide to have another baby, how do I want the birth to be?

I've written a little about how the moment of R's birth is so foggy, almost blocked out. While I wouldn't say it was "traumatizing", it definitely wasn't serine.

I find myself feeling jealous of the photos I see of water births, of mothers lifting their babies out of the water themselves. Gazing at their babies. Happy and relieved and mesmerized by their babies.

I know every birth is different. R came into the world exactly as he needed to -- in a hurry, loud, pushing me to my limit. I have a feeling he'll be like that his entire life. And while I "caught" him, I was scared and just barely earth-side of a moment where I thought I had died. I was pre-occupied with the realization that I was still standing, not ripped in half. For a moment I wondered why Chris was crying and whose baby was screaming behind me.

How much control do we have over that moment? If I plan hard enough, can I have something different? Can I create a moment where I reach down and catch my own baby? Where I'm aware enough to see him being born? Where I can meet him and remember that meeting?


  1. Count on me (birth junkie/computer addict) to reply within an hour...

    Fast births can be scary and overwhelming in a way that's hard to appreciate for people who have long exhausting labors. You had no reason to suspect that your first time birthing would go so quickly - knowing now that you are more inclined to be a "fast birther" (although every birth is different!) you might do things differently in terms of how you handle your labor (positions, etc.) and how you prepare your team & yourself mentally. Just knowing viscerally how birth "feels" the second time around might help you feel less overwhelmed.

    I take it all your CBE reading is getting your reflections going...?

  2. Yes, the CBE reading, but also just the Birth Without Fear blog. I love it so much. And a friend had a great hospital water birth in MN and posted pictures the other day. I found myself immediately jealous of her experience. Even though mine was great, I feel like I don't want to do a hospital birth for the next one, for the simple reason that NYC doesn't let you push in the water ... dumbasses.

  3. I really wanted a water birth with Louise, but because of a minor shoulder dystocia with Dillon, they wouldn't let me have her in the water. I wanted something different with her birth. It was different the second time around. I didn't even have time to labor in the water, but it was still wonderful. The second time around I was able to enjoy the first few moments. There was less confusion and fear. With Dillon, it was like an out of body experience. haha.